Okay here's the deal.
I've been super like numbed out for a while and hadn't been able to figure it out. And still have a lot to figure out but I do have some thoughts now and perspective on my stay here for the past what is almost two months.
I feel bad, like all the time. I am a person who was born in the US, automatically was granted citizenship the moment I came into existence, learned English as my first language, and just had the benefit of the doubt that things would be okay in my life..in terms of my safety and that my parents (which not to take away from worked really hard for me to get to that place) taught me to assume that I was going to college after high school.
Here walking down the street, there's someone on every block trying to sell me something. Annoyed at the constant pestering of it, I repeat, "no gracias, no gracias" and try to avoid eye contact to minimize the persistence of the vendor. And because I feel bad. Because while I'm being annoyed, I also know that many of these people selling gum or whatever wares don't really have other options. And I see these kids who are maybe 5 years old trying to sell me things and my heart falls apart. And these indigenous women with their petite bodies hunched over showing years of hard work, literally huddled so small that sometimes were your walking you don't even see them as they sit their weaving baskets or embroidering shirts, commodifying their culture out of neccesity, trying to get money. And these men sitting without their legs asking for a few pesos. And the constant "no gracias, no gracias" that comes out of my mouth. When I know that the US is directly responsible for a good amount of the economic hardship in this country. For the drugs war that is pervasive across the country, for the destruction of Mexican agricultural land just to follow suite with mass production and GMO ownership that is happening in the US, for the loss of forest so I can blow my snot in a Kimberly Clarke Kleenex and quickly be rid of it. For the total disregard that I have been raised with for other countries in the US education system where I learn American history and maybe European history if I want to go above and beyond. Because none of the other countries matter, it doesn't matter how the consumption that I take for granted directly destroys communities that I have never even heard the name of and might not ever know exist.
And when I am talking to a person here. I feel bad. I feel bad that I am not better at speaking the language of the country where I am. That in the United States I learn another language because its cool and fascinating unlike the rest of the world that is pushed to learn English because otherwise they will be left behind. I feel like I don't deserve their patience as I try to fumble out a sentence because of what my country is doing to their country. Because the power and privilege that I have that they do not. That I can come to their country for free but they have to pay $300 to even apply for a visa that the US consulate gets to decide based on their income if they fancy to let them come. And that I can move to Mexico and have a happy dandy life but that if they would like to move to the United States, that's basically not an option. Or incredibly dangerous and expensive.
So. with this I still don't really know what to do and will be wracked with this guilt. But I do know that I can read the news, educate myself as a global citizen, get upset about things that matter, form relationships with people, and live my life to make meaningful change.
Thanks if you made it through this post.
Much love.
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